What We Wish Happened When We Got Off the Plane

Few things compare to the euphoria we experience when we’re going on vacation. Getting off the plane almost feels as if it should be accompanied by a singing choir and a full-blown parade. Alas, it’s not.

Which brings us to: Why not? There are those rare, blissful, real-life occurrences: the leis they give you immediately after you descend into Hawaii, the shots of rum in the British Virgin Islands. Usually we get off the plane to nothing but an obscenely long line for the bathroom, though. What gives? If we were in charge, this is what we’d get post-landing when we’re on vacation:


Poutine. This Canadian delicacy rivals the pure deliciousness of nachos, and it’s made with those awesome cheese curds. Plus, flights to Canada are long unless you live in Syracuse or northern Wisconsin, so we’d probably be hungry.


Speaking of Wisconsin, it’s only appropriate we get fresh cheese curds. (We obviously really like cheese.) They’re known as the “squeaky cheese” for good reason, and this would make for a symphony all on its own in the terminal.

The Bahamas

SPF 100 sunscreen. Admittedly, this is not an element of the local culture, but it’s really important for surviving vacation without turning into a lobster.

New York City

A taxi whistle. Hailing a cab is much more difficult than it looks. Another viable option: PIZZA FOR EVERYONE.


Mickey Mouse in full costume, obviously. You may not be able to take him with you, but you can shake his hand.

New Zealand

A copy of the The Hobbit, or better yet, an actual Bilbo Baggins costume.


Elastic-waisted pants. If you’re going to eat that much Italian food, jeans are just an idealistic waste of time.