Movers, shmovers. Why hire a bunch of professionals to help you when you can just enlist your best friends? Sure, it’s a tough feat — no one wants to spend a coveted Saturday sweating profusely while sustaining bruises from awkwardly shaped furniture.
It’s possible to get your friends on board with the right bribes, though. When crafting your game plan, there’s one thing to consider: How difficult will your move will be? The harder the move, the bigger the bribe you’re going to need.
1. You’re moving to the floor below you
This is an easy-peasy move. No need to get creative — an extra large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of Miller Lite will suffice.
2. There is no service elevator
No service elevator means that you’ll have to carry your queen-sized bed up the stairs, and multiple trips will be taken. This Herculean effort is the equivalent of three days’ workouts, and you should therefore reward your friends with delicious, muscle-building calories. Don’t take the easy route with pizza this time. Show your true gratitude: Buy them a month’s supply of bacon, take them shopping at Sam’s Club or lure them in with a lamb roast.
3. It’s winter
When the temperature outside renders your face numb and your texting fingers unusable, you need more ammo. In a situation like this, you’ll need to offer your friends something that will make potentially losing a limb to frostbite worth it. Buy them something they would never get for themselves. Think Broadway plays, Swedish massages, filet mignon or bottle service. Everybody likes bottle service.
4. You’re moving to the 37th floor of a skyscraper
This is actually an absurd move, and you probably should have hired professionals. But because you’re resourceful and you didn’t, you’re going to need to pull out the big guns. Instead of buying your friends a pizza, you should buy them an entire pizza franchise. They can oversee operations every once in a while and receive free pizza for all eternity.
5. You’re moving to Alaska
If your friends have to take off a week from work to drive you across the country, you’ll need to offer them something from your destination that makes the trip worthwhile. In the event you’re moving to Alaska, you should buy them a pet moose or a time share in Anchorage.