It’s time for college football, and YOUR TEAM is going to have a great year! Here’s why every fan of every team should be happy about the upcoming season!
Air Force: The Falcons went from two wins in 2013 to 10 wins in 2014, so they’re going to win 50 games in 2015!
Akron: Starting QB Cardale Jones should do wonders.
Alabama: Alabama doesn’t do excitement. Just occasional satisfaction with winning and mass hysteria if anything goes wrong.
Appalachian State: Appalachian State is now officially FBS, meaning it can finally prove what it’s known for years: FBS is trash.
Arizona: Happy Rich Rodriguez is unstoppable! And right now, Rich Rodriguez is SO HAPPY.
— SB Nation (@SBNation) August 8, 2015
Arizona State: It doesn’t seem like Todd Graham is antsy!
Arkansas: We get to find out what else Bret Bielema finds “borderline erotic.” (Hint: robust pork products and robust offensive line play.)
Arkansas State: This year is a good year so long as nobody keels over during a fake punt!
Ball State: Finally, the horrible Poop Dollar Scandal of 2014 is in the past. Now we can move forward.
Baylor: The Big 12 put rules in place so that if we did the 2014 season over again, Baylor would be the official Big 12 champion! Congrats?
Boise State: Time for another Mountain West Conference championship! (Boring at this point, to be honest.)
Boston College: Tom Brady’s only suspended for four games!
Bowling Green: More like Just-Won-A-Bowl-Game Green, imo
Buffalo: New coach Lance Leipold won six national titles while only losing six games in eight years at Wisconsin-Whitewater. If he does that at Buffalo, the Bulls will be the best team of all time!
BYU: The Cougars have earned something more meaningful than any win or loss: the acknowledgement of the SEC. This is truly the big time!
Cal: S O O O M A N Y P O I N T Z
Central Michigan: The Chippewas realized they should run the multiple-lateral, 80-yard touchdown play on the last play of last season. They’re going to run that play every down this year and score a trillion points.
Charlotte: One year into FBS existence, Charlotte is already the most functional football team called the 49ers.
Cincinnati: BURRITO TOUCHDOWNS
— Austin Mack (@Austin_Mack10) May 11, 2015
Clemson: According to reports, Dabo Swinney has his boys fired up and ready to roll!
Colorado: Hey! It’s the 25th anniversary of Colorado’s national title!
Duke: Welcome to Duke Fan Heaven: A mediocre-to-good football team with a hoops national title in hand!
North Carolina: Can probably beat Duke.
Eastern Michigan: This is the year Eastern Michigan finally beats its greatest enemy, a wall!
Florida: NO! MORE! WILL! MUSCHAMP!
Auburn: WE! GOT! WILL! MUSCHAMP!
Florida Atlantic: Hey, have you ever noticed that their head coach is Charlie Partridge (a bird type) and the team is the Owls (also birds)? Pretty neat!
Florida International: Bethune-Cookman is off the schedule this year!
Fresno State: NEW PUPPY
— Victor E Bulldog III (@VictorEBulldog) June 22, 2015
Florida State: Worried Jimbo Fisher won’t be able to replace Jameis Winston? JIMBO FISHER REPLACED HIS OWN HAIR.
Georgia: After years of yelling at Mike Bobo for not running/not throwing enough, UGA is now Bobo-free.
Colorado State: I’M IN LOVE WITH THE BOBO
Georgia State: Could feasibly win more games in the Georgia Dome than the Falcons!
Georgia Tech: Don’t get excited about Georgia Tech. Don’t even pay attention to Georgia Tech. Does Georgia Tech even exist? You’re definitely not playing Georgia Tech right now! Go to sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee–[/awakes covered in bee stings, losing 28-7 to Georgia Tech]
Hawaii: How can you not be excited when this is how your announcer calls a game-winning TD?
Illinois: Forget all the hideous accusations and enjoy the aftermath of Tim Beckman football!
Indiana: The Hoosiers are guaranteed to hold the SEC East title for at least another year.
Iowa: There is no escape from Kirk Ferentz, so you might as well drink the TaxSlayer Bowl dry again!
Iowa State: At least one school thinks beating Iowa State is goalpost-destruction worthy! (One very sad school, but still.)
Kansas: Finally rid of enormous fun-sucking Hutt coach!
Kansas State: Bill Snyder is AMPING UP his calmness and niceness to PREVIOUSLY UNFORESEEN LEVELS OF CALMNESS AND NICENESS
Kent State: This guy will get you excited for Kent State:
Kentucky: The SEC is really good, and boy is Kentucky in the SEC!
LSU: Time for LSU’s once-every-four-years-whether-there’s-a-quarterback-or-not national title run!
Louisiana Tech: People still like Duck Dynasty, right?
Louisiana-Lafayette: The Ragin’ Cajuns have won nine games four years in a row. Winning nine games is good!
Marshall: Only has to be two points better than last year for a perfect season!
Maryland: The Big Ten has been a great fit for the Terps!
Let’s check in and see how the day has gone for Maryland: pic.twitter.com/viauY2baYL
— Ryan Stites (@Brocktoon23) October 25, 2014
Memphis: Justin Fuente stayed, moving him one year closer to civic institutions Marc Gasol and DJ Paul!
Miami: The Hurricanes have finally merged with going clubbing!
Miami (Ohio): Certainly amongst the top two Miamis in college football!
we get it already, you have Jim Harbaugh
Michigan State: Still better than Michigan!
Middle Tennessee: After all these years, it looks like Rick Stock’s Still the man for the job!
Minnesota: It’s Dilly Bar Season! (In Minnesota, every season is Dilly Bar Season.)
Mississippi State: CLANGA WORLD RECORD
Missouri: People are saying Mizzou isn’t going to win the SEC East. That means Mizzou’s going to win the SEC East.
Non-FBS teams that are Montana: Stitt has already happened.
Non-FBS teams that aren’t Montana: You probably only have to play Montana once, tops.
Navy: Beating Army again!
Army: Beating UConn again!
UConn: A chance to create a new rivalry trophy with whichever team it beats this year!
UCF: Was a loss to UConn away from an undefeated conference season. So the Knights probably have an undefeated conference season this year.
Nebraska: The Cornhuskers voluntarily got rid of Bo Pelini and brought in Mike Riley, so it must be a good idea!
Oregon State: The Beavers didn’t fire a coach many wanted to fire and ended up with a coach most fans at a more successful football school didn’t want to leave. That makes no sense!
Wisconsin: Winning all the time somewhat fills the void created by all those departing coaches!
Nevada: To be honest, I can’t say anything nice about the Wolf Pack unless they get somebody else to grow a platinum blonde mullet.
New Mexico: Definitely the best college football team with “New Mexico” in its name!
New Mexico State: Likely to win at least one game!
NC State: Think about how much money the Wolfpack saved by playing road games at Old Dominion and South Alabama instead of paying cupcakes to come to Raleigh!
North Texas: UNT has the best home field advantage in college football! Kind of!
Northern Illinois: Almost certain to retain Illinois State Champions title!
Northwestern: The union will not be a season-ruining distraction this year, so Northwestern is sure to go undefeated!
Notre Dame: This is the year that extremely high ranking doesn’t end with a crash into a 300,000-foot ravine!
Ohio: Has gotten worse for four straight seasons! Wait, I was supposed to say a good thing, sorry
Ohio State: Might win a national championship **and** beat Virginia Tech!
Oklahoma: If Baker Mayfield can hit the whip this perfectly, there’s nothing Oklahoma can’t do.
Oklahoma State: Mike Gundy is actually 48 now, is still a man, and is more prepared to coach a college football team than ever.
Old Dominion: Still has never had a losing season!
Ole Miss: 2015 will be better, because 2015 cannot be worse than “historic season derailed after huge TD turns out to be lost fumble featuring gruesome leg injury to best receiver.”
Oregon: With new glow-in-the-dark uniforms, Oregon would be two steps from sentient uniforms that can win games for themselves.
Penn State: Could have the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft even if he doesn’t play that well and the team loses a lot!
Pittsburgh: Another new exciting coa- crap is he gone already
Purdue: Purdue fans still oughta be proud!
Rice: THE DRIPHUS AFFAIR is Rice’s high-powered offense.
Rutgers: Other Big Ten schools still snarling about Rutgers being in the Big Ten? Makes for great rivalry fuel!
San Diego State: Now that the Aztecs have these fly-ass helmets, there’s a chance one home game features Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god, slaying the coach of SDSU’s opponent and feasting upon his still-beating heart!
San Jose State: More uniform color options than games in a season!
South Alabama: South Alabama’s coaches are metal enough to coach through enormous bloody faces!
South Carolina: This will be the year Steve Spurrier finally sets the record for negative shits given.
South Florida: At least you have South Florida’s beautiful weath- it’s where, now?
SMU: It can’t get worse!
Southern Miss: Almost certain not to go 0-12 again!
Stanford: This is the year of the 11-man offensive line just plowing through opponents.
Syracuse: As head coach Scott Shafer points out, Syracuse football is better than being beheaded by ISIS!
Tennessee: In case the Vols don’t improve, the team has implicitly endorsed Jack Daniels, so it’s a win-win!
Texas: Charlie Strong has ADORABLE BLOOD-HUNGRY TIGERS!
Texas A&M: The Aggies will be unstoppable in 300,000-seat, lake-holding, gold-plated Kyle Field! It sure is bigger than Texas’ stadium!
TCU: A Heisman candidate and a possible Playoff bid? LET’S ALL SQUIRT BLOOD OUT OF OUR EYES!
Texas State: The Bobcats have improved every year under Dennis Franchione, so eventually wreaking revenge on Texas A&M and Alabama is going according to plan.
Texas Tech: Still handsome!
Troy: A person besides Larry Blakeney is the head coach at Troy for the first time since 1990! Different things are interesting!
Tulane: The stands at Tulane games are a sp0o0o0oky fun time for the whole family!
Tulsa: They’re trying to be Baylor! That’s fun and good!
UCLA: Possibly back in Diddy’s good graces (acquired left-handed golf clubs, sugar cookies, and pure Cambodian breast milk). Now you know that we won’t stop, eh-ehhh, eh-ehhh.
UMass: It sure seems like the Minutemen are going to stay in FBS!
UNLV: The Rebels are going all-in on Vegas-themed stuff, which can only mean GOOD LUCK GREAT TIMES AND WINNI- [/wakes up with splitting headache, negative money in bank account, angry voicemails from significant other]
UTEP: With the graduation of Jameill Showers, you can let your kids watch UTEP without risking exposure to sex terminology!
UTSA: You’re gonna hear two sounds: BOOM when you get blown up by a ginormous block and MEEP MEEP as the Roadrunner speeds away.
Utah: Still gets to make fun of its most hated rival for not even having a conference.
Utah State: CHUCKIE KEETON LIVES
Vanderbilt: Anything above poorly timed, tactless tweets is a success!
Virginia: This is either Mike London’s best season or his last season!
Virginia Tech: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner
ECU: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner
Temple: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner
Washington: To become Boise State, you must beat Boise State.
Washington State: Mike Leach read a book about the building of the Sphinx or the Punic Wars or something, and now the Cougars can play defense that’s just regular awful instead of historically awful!
Western Michigan: Forever and always:
Wyoming: Craig Bohl could have the Cowboys Bohl-ing!
Wake Forest: nah, f*** this s***
This article was written by Rodger Sherman from SB Nation SB Nation National Feed and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network.