Why you should be excited about 130 college football teams in 2015

wpid-thumbnail-1b957abd9daed187b4cbe0bdd3b0c9e4.png

It’s time for college football, and YOUR TEAM is going to have a great year! Here’s why every fan of every team should be happy about the upcoming season!

Air Force: The Falcons went from two wins in 2013 to 10 wins in 2014, so they’re going to win 50 games in 2015!

AkronStarting QB Cardale Jones should do wonders.

Alabama: Alabama doesn’t do excitement. Just occasional satisfaction with winning and mass hysteria if anything goes wrong.

Appalachian State: Appalachian State is now officially FBS, meaning it can finally prove what it’s known for years: FBS is trash.

Arizona: Happy Rich Rodriguez is unstoppable! And right now, Rich Rodriguez is SO HAPPY.

Rich Rod does a pretty solid Nae Nae: http://t.co/UMFbC2Wqso pic.twitter.com/u3l5PaQCj8

— SB Nation (@SBNation) August 8, 2015

Arizona State: It doesn’t seem like Todd Graham is antsy!

Arkansas: We get to find out what else Bret Bielema finds “borderline erotic.” (Hint: robust pork products and robust offensive line play.)

Arkansas State: This year is a good year so long as nobody keels over during a fake punt!

Ball State: Finally, the horrible Poop Dollar Scandal of 2014 is in the past. Now we can move forward.


Baylor: The Big 12 put rules in place so that if we did the 2014 season over again, Baylor would be the official Big 12 champion! Congrats?

Boise State: Time for another Mountain West Conference championship! (Boring at this point, to be honest.)

Boston College: Tom Brady’s only suspended for four games!

Bowling Green: More like Just-Won-A-Bowl-Game Green, imo

Buffalo: New coach Lance Leipold won six national titles while only losing six games in eight years at Wisconsin-Whitewater. If he does that at Buffalo, the Bulls will be the best team of all time!

BYU: The Cougars have earned something more meaningful than any win or loss: the acknowledgement of the SEC. This is truly the big time!

Cal: S O O O   M A N Y   P O I N T Z

Central Michigan: The Chippewas realized they should run the multiple-lateral, 80-yard touchdown play on the last play of last season. They’re going to run that play every down this year and score a trillion points.

Charlotte: One year into FBS existence, Charlotte is already the most functional football team called the 49ers.

CincinnatiBURRITO TOUCHDOWNS

Ben getting recruited with burritos @BSkowronek10 pic.twitter.com/bXcF0y9OrS

— Austin Mack (@Austin_Mack10) May 11, 2015

Clemson: According to reports, Dabo Swinney has his boys fired up and ready to roll!

Colorado: Hey! It’s the 25th anniversary of Colorado’s national title!

Duke: Welcome to Duke Fan Heaven: A mediocre-to-good football team with a hoops national title in hand!

North Carolina: Can probably beat Duke.

Eastern Michigan: This is the year Eastern Michigan finally beats its greatest enemy, a wall!

Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern actually wins a lot of games in addition to that one game against Florida!

Florida: NO! MORE! WILL! MUSCHAMP!

Auburn: WE! GOT! WILL! MUSCHAMP!

Florida Atlantic: Hey, have you ever noticed that their head coach is Charlie Partridge (a bird type) and the team is the Owls (also birds)? Pretty neat!

Florida International: Bethune-Cookman is off the schedule this year!

Fresno StateNEW PUPPY

Getting used to all the fame & pictures! Trying to rest up for my debut on Sept. 3rd at the @FresnoStateFB Opener. pic.twitter.com/E6yZpatqrB

— Victor E Bulldog III (@VictorEBulldog) June 22, 2015

Florida State: Worried Jimbo Fisher won’t be able to replace Jameis Winston? JIMBO FISHER REPLACED HIS OWN HAIR.

Georgia: After years of yelling at Mike Bobo for not running/not throwing enough, UGA is now Bobo-free.

Colorado State: I’M IN LOVE WITH THE BOBO

Georgia State: Could feasibly win more games in the Georgia Dome than the Falcons!

Georgia Tech: Don’t get excited about Georgia Tech. Don’t even pay attention to Georgia Tech. Does Georgia Tech even exist? You’re definitely not playing Georgia Tech right now! Go to sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee–[/awakes covered in bee stings, losing 28-7 to Georgia Tech]

Hawaii: How can you not be excited when this is how your announcer calls a game-winning TD?

Houston: The Cougars’ coach is an active national champ!

IdahoPaul Petrino is excited, in a way!

Illinois: Forget all the hideous accusations and enjoy the aftermath of Tim Beckman football!

Indiana: The Hoosiers are guaranteed to hold the SEC East title for at least another year.

Iowa: There is no escape from Kirk Ferentz, so you might as well drink the TaxSlayer Bowl dry again!

Iowa State: At least one school thinks beating Iowa State is goalpost-destruction worthy! (One very sad school, but still.)

Kansas: Finally rid of enormous fun-sucking Hutt coach!

Kansas State: Bill Snyder is AMPING UP his calmness and niceness to PREVIOUSLY UNFORESEEN LEVELS OF CALMNESS AND NICENESS

Kent State: This guy will get you excited for Kent State:

Kentucky: The SEC is really good, and boy is Kentucky in the SEC!

LSU: Time for LSU’s once-every-four-years-whether-there’s-a-quarterback-or-not national title run!

Louisiana Tech: People still like Duck Dynasty, right?

ULMPEOPLE STILL LIKE DUCK DYNASTY, RIGHT?

Louisiana-Lafayette: The Ragin’ Cajuns have won nine games four years in a row. Winning nine games is good!

LouisvilleMurderbird!

Marshall: Only has to be two points better than last year for a perfect season!

Maryland: The Big Ten has been a great fit for the Terps!

Let’s check in and see how the day has gone for Maryland: pic.twitter.com/viauY2baYL

— Ryan Stites (@Brocktoon23) October 25, 2014

Memphis: Justin Fuente stayed, moving him one year closer to civic institutions Marc Gasol and DJ Paul!

Miami: The Hurricanes have finally merged with going clubbing!

Miami (Ohio): Certainly amongst the top two Miamis in college football!

Michigan:

we get it already, you have Jim Harbaugh

Michigan State: Still better than Michigan!

Middle Tennessee: After all these years, it looks like Rick Stock’s Still the man for the job!

MinnesotaIt’s Dilly Bar Season! (In Minnesota, every season is Dilly Bar Season.)

Mississippi StateCLANGA WORLD RECORD

Missouri: People are saying Mizzou isn’t going to win the SEC East. That means Mizzou’s going to win the SEC East.

Non-FBS teams that are Montana: Stitt has already happened.

Non-FBS teams that aren’t Montana: You probably only have to play Montana once, tops.

Navy: Beating Army again!

Army: Beating UConn again!

UConn: A chance to create a new rivalry trophy with whichever team it beats this year!

UCF: Was a loss to UConn away from an undefeated conference season. So the Knights probably have an undefeated conference season this year.

Nebraska: The Cornhuskers voluntarily got rid of Bo Pelini and brought in Mike Riley, so it must be a good idea!

Oregon State: The Beavers didn’t fire a coach many wanted to fire and ended up with a coach most fans at a more successful football school didn’t want to leave. That makes no sense!

Wisconsin: Winning all the time somewhat fills the void created by all those departing coaches!

Nevada: To be honest, I can’t say anything nice about the Wolf Pack unless they get somebody else to grow a platinum blonde mullet.

New Mexico: Definitely the best college football team with “New Mexico” in its name!

New Mexico State: Likely to win at least one game!

NC State: Think about how much money the Wolfpack saved by playing road games at Old Dominion and South Alabama instead of paying cupcakes to come to Raleigh!

North Texas: UNT has the best home field advantage in college football! Kind of!

Northern Illinois: Almost certain to retain Illinois State Champions title!

Northwestern: The union will not be a season-ruining distraction this year, so Northwestern is sure to go undefeated!

Notre Dame: This is the year that extremely high ranking doesn’t end with a crash into a 300,000-foot ravine!

Ohio: Has gotten worse for four straight seasons! Wait, I was supposed to say a good thing, sorry

Ohio State: Might win a national championship **and** beat Virginia Tech!

Oklahoma: If Baker Mayfield can hit the whip this perfectly, there’s nothing Oklahoma can’t do.

Oklahoma State: Mike Gundy is actually 48 now, is still a man, and is more prepared to coach a college football team than ever.

Old Dominion: Still has never had a losing season!

Ole Miss: 2015 will be better, because 2015 cannot be worse than “historic season derailed after huge TD turns out to be lost fumble featuring gruesome leg injury to best receiver.”

Oregon: With new glow-in-the-dark uniforms, Oregon would be two steps from sentient uniforms that can win games for themselves.

Penn State: Could have the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft even if he doesn’t play that well and the team loses a lot!

Pittsburgh: Another new exciting coa- crap is he gone already

Purdue: Purdue fans still oughta be proud!

Rice: THE DRIPHUS AFFAIR is Rice’s high-powered offense.

Rutgers: Other Big Ten schools still snarling about Rutgers being in the Big Ten? Makes for great rivalry fuel!

San Diego State: Now that the Aztecs have these fly-ass helmets, there’s a chance one home game features Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god, slaying the coach of SDSU’s opponent and feasting upon his still-beating heart!

San Jose State: More uniform color options than games in a season!

South Alabama: South Alabama’s coaches are metal enough to coach through enormous bloody faces!

South Carolina: This will be the year Steve Spurrier finally sets the record for negative shits given.

South Florida: At least you have South Florida’s beautiful weath- it’s where, now?

SMU: It can’t get worse!

Southern Miss: Almost certain not to go 0-12 again!

Stanford: This is the year of the 11-man offensive line just plowing through opponents.

Syracuse: As head coach Scott Shafer points out, Syracuse football is better than being beheaded by ISIS!

Tennessee: In case the Vols don’t improve, the team has implicitly endorsed Jack Daniels, so it’s a win-win!

Texas: Charlie Strong has ADORABLE BLOOD-HUNGRY TIGERS!

Texas A&M: The Aggies will be unstoppable in 300,000-seat, lake-holding, gold-plated Kyle Field! It sure is bigger than Texas’ stadium!

TCU: A Heisman candidate and a possible Playoff bid? LET’S ALL SQUIRT BLOOD OUT OF OUR EYES!

Texas State: The Bobcats have improved every year under Dennis Franchione, so eventually wreaking revenge on Texas A&M and Alabama is going according to plan.

Texas Tech: Still handsome!

Toledo: “No team has been as consistently decent as Toledo!”

Troy: A person besides Larry Blakeney is the head coach at Troy for the first time since 1990! Different things are interesting!

Tulane: The stands at Tulane games are a sp0o0o0oky fun time for the whole family!

TulsaThey’re trying to be Baylor! That’s fun and good!

UCLA: Possibly back in Diddy’s good graces (acquired left-handed golf clubs, sugar cookies, and pure Cambodian breast milk). Now you know that we won’t stop, eh-ehhh, eh-ehhh.

UMass: It sure seems like the Minutemen are going to stay in FBS!

UNLVThe Rebels are going all-in on Vegas-themed stuff, which can only mean GOOD LUCK GREAT TIMES AND WINNI- [/wakes up with splitting headache, negative money in bank account, angry voicemails from significant other]

USCAfter a few rough months, we can assume Snoop Dogg is once again a USC fan! All is right in the world.

UTEP: With the graduation of Jameill Showers, you can let your kids watch UTEP without risking exposure to sex terminology!

UTSA: You’re gonna hear two sounds: BOOM when you get blown up by a ginormous block and MEEP MEEP as the Roadrunner speeds away.

Utah: Still gets to make fun of its most hated rival for not even having a conference.

Utah State: CHUCKIE KEETON LIVES

Vanderbilt: Anything above poorly timed, tactless tweets is a success!

Virginia: This is either Mike London’s best season or his last season!

Virginia Tech: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

ECU: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

Temple: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

Washington: To become Boise State, you must beat Boise State.

Washington State: Mike Leach read a book about the building of the Sphinx or the Punic Wars or something, and now the Cougars can play defense that’s just regular awful instead of historically awful!

West Virginia: Holgo’s Red Bull consumption deemed “not that bad in comparison!”

WKUUNSTOPPABLE LONG SNAPPING

Western Michigan: Forever and always:

Wyoming: Craig Bohl could have the Cowboys Bohl-ing!

Wake Forest: nah, f*** this s***

 

This article was written by Rodger Sherman from SB Nation SB Nation National Feed and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network.