The Junkie: TV Dinner-itis

Netflix_Junkie_V5

Definition

TV dinner-itis is a serious condition in which people watch so much Netflix, they subside on TV dinners alone. Much like Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, these individuals find themselves turning into the food they eat. For some, this is a pepperoni pizza, while others slowly turn into lo mein. Others can even begin to take on traits of their favorite frozen meals over time. Though this condition is alarming, it is surprisingly treatable.

Symptoms

TV dinner-itis is accompanied by clear, profound symptoms, as it alters an individual’s entire physical composition:

  • Close friends consisting mostly of pizza delivery drivers
  • An increasingly hostile relationship with the family dog
  • Reduced self-esteem
  • Difficulty fitting into human-shaped clothing
  • Odor problems
  • Extreme sensitivity to temperature changes

Causes

In short, TV dinner-itis is caused by consumption of nothing but easy-to-order, quickly delivered food. Generally, one of these individuals will have a strong preference for one such type of food, and that person will consume it over and over again until he or she has become said food. There are a few other causes as well:

  • Unwillingness to leave the house
  • Disregard for physical fitness and personal hygiene
  • A very comfortable couch
  • A convenient TV dinner tray

Risk factors

People at risk of TV dinner-itis typically have strong feelings about one of the following:

  • Sub sandwiches
  • Delivery pizza
  • Thai food
  • Chinese food
  • Frozen meals

Treatments and home remedies

Treating TV dinner-itis is luckily quite easy. To begin reversing the process, try the following:

  • Immediately stop eating the food you have turned into
  • Throw out all takeout menus
  • Rid the fridge of frozen meals
  • Ensure all cooking appliances, such as the stovetop and oven, are still working properly
  • Ask a friend to grocery shop with you
  • Discard the TV dinner tray

Prevention

Should you find that your Netflix habits have once again escalated, there’s a surefire way to ensure your body stays true to human form:

  • Create themed food nights, such as “Pasta Mondays” and “Crab Rangoon Thursdays”
  • Alternate pizza toppings when ordering delivery
  • Try GrubHub
  • Buy a cookbook
  • Grow a garden in your backyard

With the right self-care and a little patience, you’ll find that TV dinner-itis subsides in very little time. Turning into a pizza is traumatizing, however — if you find that the emotional scarring persists, do not be afraid to seek professional guidance.