Funemployed: Actor Amnesia

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Definition

Actor amnesia is a type of dissociation that occurs when viewers watch so much Netflix that they begin to think they’re a character on one of the shows. Unlike Buzzfeed quizzes that ask, “Which ‘Friends’ Character Are You?” in a figurative sense, these individuals really think they are Phoebe Buffay, Hank Moody or another TV show character. The condition generally occurs when the viewers become so engrossed in TV shows that they entirely abandon their normal lives.

Symptoms

Although the onset of actor amnesia can be sudden, there are usually a few warning signs:

  • An unsatisfying career
  • A series of disappointing first dates
  • Annoying friends

The next stage of actor amnesia begins shortly afterward and is marked by the following:

  • Vitamin D deficiency
  • Abnormally pale skin
  • Uncontrollable sobbing that usually occurs when the Wi-Fi isn’t working
  • A first-name basis with the Jimmy John’s delivery man
  • A permanent indentation in the mattress

After an extended period of time away from the outside world, symptoms of actor amnesia become even more serious:

  • Pants from the ’90s and/or an orange jumpsuit
  • An in-home meth lab
  • A sudden British accent
  • A notebook filled with original songs about cats

Causes

Many factors can contribute to the development of actor amnesia, but some are more serious than others:

  • A hatred for real pants
  • An absurdly comfortable bed
  • High-quality blackout curtains
  • An abundance of free time
  • An unsatisfying social life
  • General distaste for styling one’s hair
  • Pure boredom
  • Insomnia

Risk factors

Beyond the typical causes, a number of other factors put an individual at risk for developing actor amnesia. Though these risk factors vary from person to person, a few are consistent:

  • A big-screen TV
  • An in-home vending machine
  • A reliable Wi-Fi connection
  • A desk job
  • A butler
  • A first-name basis with the Jimmy John’s delivery man

Treatments and home remedies

Luckily, there are a few things you can do to combat actor amnesia should you find yourself or someone you love developing it.

  • Use a 50 First Dates–like video to remind yourself or your loved one of who you or they are
  • Ensure there are no life-size character cutouts around the house
  • Find a more satisfying career
  • Find more interesting friends
  • Reactivate your Facebook account

Prevention

As with any condition, it’s important to practice prevention to ensure you remain “yourself” in the months and years to come. One of the best ways to do this is to imagine that your own life is a Netflix show. You can do this by:

  • Keeping a journal and writing down funny and/or awkward moments that occur throughout the day
  • Going on a vacation
  • Switching to documentaries
  • Seeking entertainment in other venues, such as Tinder
  • Developing a secondary hobby, such as acting or creative writing, that will take advantage of your newfound impersonation skills

With a little time and effort, you can reclaim your life and remember that being you is pretty awesome. And hey — on your bad days, you’ll still have Netflix.